Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey series and How To Build A Sex Room, more people are becoming curious about delving into the exciting world of kink and BDSM. Introducing some elements of BDSM into your relationship can open up a whole new dimension of intensity, sensuality and pleasure to your sex life while enhancing intimacy, communication and trust. One of the main elements of BDSM is bondage, the practice of physical restraint through ties, rope, cuffs, etc.
Why on earth would I want to be tied up?
Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to try bondage but there are some common themes. For the person being restrained (known as a “bottom” or “submissive”), many people find the experience of being restrained incredibly liberating and erotic. On a sensory level, they love the physical sensation of the rope or cuffs on their skin. Some find handing over their power and control to another person and consensually being at their mercy to be a huge turn on.
Conversely, for the person performing the restraining (known as a “top” or “Dominant”), consensually being entrusted with that control and having someone at your mercy can also be a huge turn on. Many tops also enjoy in the sensory elements of bondage and find pleasure and satisfaction in planning, preparing and performing the act itself.
An important thing to note is that you don’t necessarily need to pick a side. While some people are particularly drawn to either the top or bottom role, many couples decide to take turns at both as they find enjoyment in both giving and receiving. People who undertake both roles in BDSM are known as a “switch”.
It’s not all about sex though; some forms of bondage such as shibari (rope bondage) are performed a means of artistic self-expression and at advanced levels require great skill producing breathtakingly beautiful and intricate results.
An important note on safety
The kink community places great emphasis on the importance of safety when engaging in kinky play, regardless of whether you’re just starting out or an experienced kinkster. Bondage and other types of BDSM performed safely can be incredibly enjoyable, fun and fulfilling but BDSM performed without adequate communication, care and consent can result in serious physical and/or emotional harm.
In BDSM, the first rule for safe play is to ensure that you have ongoing, informed and enthusiastic consent before, during and after play. Before you start, it’s important that you have a conversation with your partner about what you want to try and what you’re not comfortable with doing (known as your soft and hard limits) so everyone is on the same page. Some may worry that talking it through in advance will make your play less exciting or spontaneous but that is not necessarily the case; it can really help to build anticipation and can allow you both to uncover new and unexpected things you share a mutual interest in trying.
It’s also strongly recommended that you both establish some safe words that you can use to check in with one another during play easily and smoothly with minimal unnecessary interruption. A lot of kinksters use the traffic light system; green means all is good, yellow means slow down and check in and red means something’s not right and play needs to stop immediately. After you’ve finished your scene, engaging in aftercare is also a great idea. Kink play can be fun, intense and exhilarating but sometimes also physically, emotionally and mentally draining and challenging. Aftercare is essentially taking some time to be together, cuddle, share how you’re feeling and reflect on what you both liked and what you might do differently next time.
Next are the practical matters of safety. Getting kinky when you’re intoxicated or distracted is never a good idea. Ensuring that you have a way to quickly free someone from their restraints, e.g., having some safety scissors on hand, is vital. Never leave someone who is restrained unattended and particularly in the case of rope bondage, be mindful of the possibility of certain positions and tight restraints over time cutting off circulation or compressing nerves.
If you’re trying something new, complicated and potentially risky, doing some research or going to a workshop to increase your skills will make the play more enjoyable and safer for both of you. Complex forms of bondage such as advanced shibari, suspension or anything that restricts or impairs breathing can be risky and cause permanent harm and even death if not performed with adequate skill and care.
Back to bondage
The first time few times that people try bondage or other types of kink play, they often feel self-conscious, even a bit silly and not sure what they’re doing. BDSM is described by some as “cops and robbers with no clothes on”; it’s essentially a role playing game so don’t take it to seriously and expect a few nervous giggles and mishaps along the way. It’s a good idea to have a blindfold on hand to pop on your submissive to help you focus and feel a little less self-conscious plus it adds to the sense of submission and helplessness of the submissive.
Some people choose to incorporate bondage into foreplay with an emphasis on the sensory aspects. Tying up your partner spread eagled to the corners of the bed and then tickling, teasing, nibbling, licking and using toys such as wand and bullet vibrators can be incredibly fun and arousing. If you and your partner have decided to explore that blurred line between pleasure and pain and engage in some impact play, restraining them on their hands and knees or bent over the end of the bed for some flogging or spanking is a great option.
Wrist and ankle cuffs are a good place to start as they are comfortable, simple to use and effective. Metal, police style handcuffs may spring to mind when you think of cuffs but most play cuffs and collars are made of material such as soft fabric and genuine or faux leather. They are strong, comfortable, adjustable and come with D rings that allow you to attach clips and rope so you can easily tie them together or to another object. Blindfolds and gags are often used in conjunction with cuffs as they look and feel great plus they can heighten that feeling of submission through mild sensory deprivation.
Rope is a perennial favourite when it comes to bondage as it is practical, deeply sensual, visually evocative and can be used on many parts of the body and in as many ways as your imagination allows. From cotton to nylon and satin to hemp, rope used for bondage should be non-stretchy and robust. You can use rope in conjunction with other restraints such as cuffs to tie your partner to other objects. If you and your partner want to venture into the world of Japanese rope bondage known as shibari, you can learn to tie your own restraints such as chest harnesses, leg and arm binders, rope corsets and more. There are many fantastic books and online resources out there about rope bondage from skilled BDSM educators such as Midori and Lee Harrington. Bondage tape is also an excellent option. Made of PVC, it’s reusable, simple to use and has no adhesive so it only sticks to itself, not hair or skin.
There are plenty of kits, accessories and tethers available that further open up your range of options for bondage and positioning. Spreader bars are long, rigid bars with rings or cuffs at either end that allow you to keep the bottoms’ legs or arms fixed apart. Under bed restraints are straps which go around or under your mattress giving you anchor points to attach cuffs or rope to. They are especially handy when travelling or if you don’t have anchor points on your bedframe. Other positioning aids such as hogtie clips, harnesses, over the door restraints and sex slings are also available giving you even more options.
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