Talking To Your Partner About Your Fantasies

Talking To Your Partner About Your Fantasies

Have you ever been curious about tied up or exploring bondage?

Maybe you’ve fantasized about you and your partner dressing up in costumes and trying some role play?

Have you thought about what it would be like to participate in a threesome? What about sex in a public place or maybe sex with a stranger?

You might have even wondered what it would be like to experiment with a power exchange dynamic, playing with someone of another gender or pushing the boundaries with something taboo.

Fantasies and fetishes – we all have them but most of us may never have the chance to fully realise them. Whether it’s exploring incorporating elements of BDSM or including other people, places or items in your sex life, for many people the idea of admitting these secret desires to themselves, let alone their partner, can be extremely daunting.

Despite our fears, the fact is that having fantasies or fetishes doesn’t mean that there’s anything bad or wrong with us, even if you perceive your fantasy to be particularly taboo, strange or irrational. It’s important to remember that having one or more fantasies or fetishes is a completely normal part of the human experience. We don’t choose our fetishes and fantasies, they choose us. Sometimes we may be able to trace the source of them by looking at our past experiences but most of the time we’ll never know exactly where they came from.

Taking a leap of faith and giving yourself permission to contemplate your fantasies, whether or not you actually want to pursue them is the first step. If you have a partner, taking the step to express your fantasies, to find out about theirs and potentially explore mutual desires can introduce a whole new level of intensity, intimacy and excitement to your sex lives.

Having that conversation with your partner can be quite intimidating and knowing where to start can be tricky. You may be afraid that if you open up to your partner, you may be judged, embarrassed or rejected. The thing to remember is that just like you, your partner has secret desires too. They may share the same fantasy or fetish or they may have an entirely different one that you’d never thought of before but would be interested in exploring. Maybe they’ve been wanting to have the very same conversation with you but they haven’t found the courage to speak up.  No matter who starts the dialogue, simply sharing your fantasies with your partner and finding out more about theirs can help you get to know each other on a more intimate level, build trust, enhance your connection and pave the way for some new, exciting and pleasurable experiences together.

Before you start, make sure you know what you want.

Some fantasies, especially ones you’ve had for a very long time, exist in your mind as fully formed and robust scenarios. Other fantasies are quite simple and revolve around a single act or event. These kinds of fantasies and fetishes can be simple to define and explain to your partner. Other fantasies, however, are less clearly defined and may just revolve around a desire to experience certain sensations or emotions. Other ones you might have no idea about how they would actually work; there may have been something you saw on TV or heard about from a friend that excited you and piqued your curiosity. In this case, it may take some time and effort to figure out what you would need to do and what you would need in order to bring your fantasy to life.

Have a think about details such as the location, what equipment you may need, what other people you potentially would like to be involved and how you would imagine and like the scenario to play out. Having a clear picture of these elements of your fantasy or fetish in advance can make it easier to explain and help you feel more confident and less nervous when first approaching the topic with your partner.

It's important to note as well that not all fantasies are created equal. Some fantasies are quite simple and require little preparation to realise, others can be quite complicated requiring plenty of organization and attention to detail. Some fantasies can’t quite be brought to life exactly as they play out in your mind but with some creativity, substitution and role play, they can be simulated to a satisfying degree. Others are simply impossible to enact due to the constraints of reality, safety concerns or potential legal or ethical issues. Figuring out which category your fantasy fits into can help you decide to what extent you can practically realise your fantasy as well as what aspects, themes or elements you can and want to try and bring to life with your partner.

Do your research

If the activities that you are interested in exploring with your partner involve elements that are potentially risky or are activities that you and your partner have little experience in, it’s also a good idea to educate yourself first. This is especially important when it comes to elements of BDSM as the risk of harm can be significant if they are not performed in a safe, risk aware and consensual manner. For scenarios that involve sexual acts with other people, give some thought to precautions you and your partner may need to take including using condoms and consider who may need to undertake screening for sexually transmitted infections before and/or after play. If your fantasy includes particular costumes, objects or devices, you can spend some time investigating your options, how they work, where you can source them and how much they would cost to acquire.

Researching how to bring your fantasy to life, especially for more common fantasies, can be quite fast and straight forward, in other cases it requires a little more digging. There are plenty of great and easily accessible resources available online or published in book or DVD format for covering just about every element of kink, role playing scenarios and different fetishes you can imagine.

You don’t necessarily need to lay out all the practicalities and safety aspects of your fantasy in full detail in the first conversation you have with your partner but being aware of how you could safely make it all happen is highly recommended before you broach the topic. This knowledge and awareness will help you answer any questions they may have and address any of their concerns or fears. For both of you, knowing how it all would work will enable everyone to give free and informed consent should you both choose to pursue any fantasies you have.

Finding the right time and place

When you feel ready to have the conversation with your partner, the selection of the time and location can make a huge difference both to how they respond to you but also how comfortable and confident you will feel during what can be an intimidating experience. Choosing a time when you and your partner aren’t preoccupied or stressed but well rested and calm is a good idea. Starting the conversation in a neutral and comfortable space where you’re unlikely to be interrupted and with the freedom to talk as long as you both like is also important to give you and your partner the time and space to talk, ask questions and negotiate.

How to start the conversation

It can be very difficult to know how to start the conversation in the first place. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable simply speaking up and asking for what you want, there are a few more gentle ways to bring up the topic.

You could start by posing a hypothetical situation or question such as “What you would someone asked you to tie them up and spank them?” or “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a threesome?”. You could also introduce the topic by mentioning a recent dream you had about your fantasy that you couldn’t get out of your head and start the conversation from there. Another option is to take a third person approach by mentioning a friend who told you about an experience they had really enjoyed or expressed a desire to try and gauge your partner’s reaction before you fess up that the friend is actually you. You could also mention a scene from a book, TV show or film that interested you that contained a similar theme or scenario to your fantasy. Another approach which may be effective is to ask your partner first about any fantasies they may have knowing that they’ll likely reciprocate and ask you about yours.

It's a good idea to keep the conversation light to begin with and keep reinforcing the positive aspects of your relationship. Talk about what is currently working in your relationship and what you love about them and what they do. This can help prevent a reaction of insecurity or concern that they’re not satisfying you when you express a desire to try something new. You can also explain to them what you hope the experience of fulfilling a fantasy could bring to both of you, for example how it could be a lot of fun, enhance your mutual pleasure and build connection, trust, intimacy and intensity. You can also make it clear to them that this is a journey that you’re interested in making together as a couple and that you’re not giving them an ultimatum; they are free to decide for themselves if they’re interested in pursuing the fantasy and that you will respect their decision.

Openness, respect and tolerance are key to the success of any conversations about relationships. It’s wise to be prepared to discuss and validate any concerns or misconceptions your partner may have and respectfully and patiently listen to what they have to say. It’s also not a one way street; once you’ve brought up the topic of your fantasies, make the time to ask them about theirs and if there’s anything they’re interested in trying.

You may be delighted to find out that your partner shares the same fantasy or something similar to yours and tell you immediately that they’re open to exploring your fantasy with you. They may seem a little shocked, confused or reluctant at first but as the conversation progresses, they may begin to understand and appreciate where you’re coming from. With some negotiation and time, you may be able to find a compromise and settle on a scenario that meets your mutual wants and needs. There is also a chance you will face disappointment by meeting some firm resistance from your partner when you tell them about your fantasy.

Just like we all have our own fantasies and desires, we also have our individual aversions, fears and perceptions about different things, especially when it comes to sex. While with some fears and perceptions, we can choose to challenge them if we’re ready and willing but this is not always the case. Put simply, if your partner says no, you need to accept their decision in the same way that they need to accept yours with respect and without judgement. There may come a time where they change their mind and become open to trying what you’re proposing but attempting to pressure or coerce them is both unfair and rarely successful. Their aversion to fulfilling a fantasy just like your desire to try it in the first place doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with either of you, it just means we’re all individuals with different wants, needs and desires.